Insurance Runs the World

Published May 9, 2025

By A. Perpetually Broke Policyholder

Picture this: you’re sipping your overpriced coffee, scrolling through your bank statement, and there it is—another deduction for insurance. Car insurance. Health insurance. Home insurance. Pet insurance. Phone insurance. Travel insurance. Insurance for the insurance you already have (yes, that’s a thing). It’s like the world’s most persistent subscription service, except instead of streaming movies, you’re streaming anxiety about what might happen. Welcome to the grand, glittering empire of insurance, where we, the humble policyholders, pay and pay, while the industry rakes in record profits and laughs all the way to the bank. Or rather, their offshore accounts.

Let’s be real: insurance runs the world. It’s the invisible hand that picks your pocket while whispering, “But what if your house burns down?” It’s the omnipresent overlord that demands tribute for the privilege of existing in a universe where bad things could happen. And while we’re all out here dutifully forking over our hard-earned cash, insurance companies are posting profits that make Elon Musk’s net worth look like pocket change. In 2024, the global insurance industry was valued at over $6 trillion, with giants like UnitedHealth Group and Allianz reporting record-breaking earnings. Meanwhile, your claim for that fender bender is still “under review” six months later. Coincidence? I think not.

The Grand Illusion of “Protection”

The insurance industry thrives on one thing: fear. Not the horror-movie, jump-scare kind of fear, but the slow, nagging dread that something might go wrong. Your car might crash. Your appendix might explode. Your dog might eat your neighbor’s artisanal sourdough and spark a lawsuit. Insurance companies are the ultimate doomsday preppers, except instead of hoarding canned beans, they’re hoarding your money. And they’re brilliant at it. They’ve convinced us that we can’t take a step outside without a policy to cushion the fall.

Take health insurance, for example. In the United States, the average family spends over $22,000 a year on premiums, deductibles, and out-of-pocket costs, according to the Kaiser Family Foundation. That’s a down payment on a house, a fancy car, or a lifetime supply of avocado toast. And what do you get for it? The privilege of arguing with a customer service rep named “Chad” who insists your emergency appendectomy was “elective.” Meanwhile, UnitedHealth Group posted $24.1 billion in profit in 2023, enough to buy a small country or at least a really nice yacht for every executive.

Car insurance is no better. You’re required by law to have it, because apparently the government and the insurance industry are besties who brunch together. You pay hundreds of dollars a month to cover your 2012 Honda Civic, only to find out that your policy doesn’t cover “acts of God” (like that tree branch that fell during a storm) or “wear and tear” (like the fact that your car is, you know, old). Progressive and Geico are out here sponsoring NASCAR races and Super Bowl ads while you’re still waiting for reimbursement for a cracked windshield. Their profits? Progressive alone reported $4.9 billion in net income in 2023. Your claim? Still “pending.”

The Fine Print Conspiracy

If insurance companies have a superpower, it’s the fine print. Those dense, 47-page policy documents are written in a language that’s half legalese, half ancient Sumerian. They’re designed to make you give up before you even start reading. Somewhere in there, buried between clauses about “force majeure” and “exclusions for pre-existing conditions,” is the real truth: they don’t actually want to pay you. Ever.

Take homeowners insurance. You pay thousands a year to protect your castle, only to discover that your policy doesn’t cover floods, earthquakes, or “mold caused by excessive humidity” (because apparently you should’ve known your basement was a swamp). When Hurricane Ian hit Florida in 2022, insurance companies paid out billions—but only after months of delays, denials, and lawsuits. Some homeowners were told their damage was “cosmetic” or “not covered due to policy limitations.” Meanwhile, companies like Chubb and Travelers reported record revenues, with Chubb’s net income hitting $5.3 billion in 2023. Must be nice.

And don’t get me started on pet insurance. Yes, we love our furry friends, but paying $50 a month to cover Fluffy’s vet bills only to find out that her chronic ear infections are “pre-existing” is peak absurdity. The pet insurance market is expected to hit $16 billion by 2030, and companies like Trupanion are cashing in while Fluffy’s still scratching her ears.

The Premium Paradox

Here’s the kicker: the more you pay, the less you seem to get. Insurance premiums are like gym memberships—you keep shelling out, but you’re still not sure you’re getting any fitter. In fact, premiums have been rising faster than inflation for years. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, auto insurance premiums in the U.S. jumped 20% between 2022 and 2024, while health insurance premiums have increased by about 7% annually. Why? Because insurance companies can. They’ve got us over a barrel, and they know it.

The excuse is always “rising costs.” More car accidents! More hospital visits! More hurricanes! But let’s be honest: those “rising costs” aren’t stopping them from posting record profits. They’re just passing the bill to us while their CEOs get bonuses that could fund a small nation’s GDP. In 2023, the CEO of UnitedHealth Group, Andrew Witty, earned $23.5 million in compensation. That’s enough to cover the health insurance premiums for over 1,000 families. But sure, tell me again how they can’t afford to approve my claim for a broken ankle.

The Global Insurance Racket

It’s not just an American problem. Insurance is a global juggernaut, with tentacles in every corner of the world. In Europe, companies like Allianz and AXA dominate the market, pulling in billions while policyholders navigate the same labyrinth of denials and delays. In Asia, the insurance market is growing faster than a TikTok trend, with China’s Ping An Insurance reporting $15.7 billion in profit in 2023. Even in developing countries, microinsurance schemes are popping up, promising to “protect” the poorest of the poor—for a price, of course.

And let’s not forget reinsurance, the shadowy industry behind the insurance industry. These are the companies that insure the insurers, because apparently even insurance companies need a safety net. Reinsurers like Swiss Re and Munich Re are making bank while the rest of us are just trying to figure out if our dental plan covers a root canal. It’s like a Russian nesting doll of profit, and we’re the ones at the bottom, holding the whole thing up.

The Satirical Silver Lining

So, what’s the solution? Do we storm the insurance company headquarters with pitchforks and demand our premiums back? Tempting, but probably not practical. The truth is, insurance isn’t going anywhere. It’s too entrenched, too powerful, too necessary in a world where bad things do, in fact, happen. But maybe we can laugh at the absurdity of it all. Maybe we can channel our inner satirist and imagine a world where insurance companies are forced to play by our rules.

Picture this: a new law that requires insurance companies to pay out claims within 24 hours or face a fine equal to their CEO’s bonus. Or a policy document written in plain English, with a maximum length of one page. Or—dare I say it—an insurance company that actually wants to help you, instead of treating you like a criminal for filing a claim. It’s a fantasy, sure, but it’s a delicious one.

In the meantime, we’ll keep paying. We’ll keep grumbling. And the insurance industry will keep posting record profits, because that’s the way the world works. They’ve got us by the wallets, and they’re not letting go. So, the next time you see that deduction on your bank statement, raise a glass to the insurance overlords. They’re running the show, and we’re all just along for the ride.

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