Humanity’s Guide to a Dismal Future: What Not to Do for Prosperity

Published April 27, 2025

Welcome, dear readers, to a satirical roadmap for humanity’s downfall! If we want to guarantee a future of chaos, misery, and missed opportunities, we’ve got the perfect plan. Forget all that talk about progress, unity, or exploration—let’s lean into the habits that will ensure humanity’s dreams crash and burn. Here’s a tongue-in-cheek look at what humanity shouldn’t do if it wants a prosperous future, packed with all the wrong moves to keep us spiraling downward.

1. Don’t Feed the 10,000 Children Starving Each Month—Focus on the VIPs!

Why waste time feeding the 10,000 children who starve to death each month when there are far more glamorous priorities—like ensuring influencers never run out of ring lights? Those kids aren’t trending on X, so clearly, they’re not worth the effort. Let’s keep our eyes on the prize: more viral TikTok challenges and overpriced lattes for the elite.

Instead of tackling boring issues like global hunger, let’s pour our resources into essentials—like perfecting holographic selfies or funding another celebrity perfume line. If we keep ignoring those starving children, we can build a future where only the Insta-famous survive. Survival of the fittest? More like survival of the flashiest!

2. Never End Wars—They’re Too Profitable!

Wars are the gift that keeps on giving, so why would we ever stop them? Sure, they cause untold suffering, displace millions, and destroy entire regions, but let’s talk about the real winner here: the defense industry! Arms dealers are swimming in cash, and nothing screams “economic growth” like a shiny new missile. Wars also give us endless content for X—those fiery debates really rack up the retweets.

If we ended wars, how would we justify those massive military budgets? How would leaders distract us from their scandals by pointing at a foreign enemy? And let’s be honest—peace is dull. A prosperous future without conflict means no more action-packed war games, no more dramatic news cycles, and no more excuses to flex our “patriotism.” Let’s keep those battles raging—whether over land, resources, or who gets the last word in a Twitter feud. Perpetual war is the key to… well, a booming weapons market!

3. Ignore Space Exploration—One Planet Is Plenty!

Why bother exploring space and becoming a multi-planetary species when we can just stay cozy on Earth forever? Sure, colonizing Mars or mining asteroids could ensure humanity’s survival if something goes wrong here—like an alien invasion or a rogue AI uprising—but that sounds like a lot of work. Let’s just keep binge-watching reality TV instead.

Instead of investing in space tech, let’s blow the budget on more important things—like building the world’s largest ball of yarn or funding a 24/7 live stream of cats. Who needs lunar bases or Martian colonies when you’ve got Earth’s endless supply of… well, problems? If we stay on one planet, we can ensure humanity’s fate is tied to a single point of failure. A prosperous future is one where we put all our eggs in one basket—fingers crossed nothing cracks it!

4. Hoard Wealth—Generosity Is for Losers!

If there’s one thing humanity should avoid on the path to prosperity, it’s sharing the wealth. Why should the mega-rich part with their billions to help the less fortunate? They earned it through sheer grit—like being born into the right family or dodging taxes like a pro. Trickle-down economics is the fairy tale we should all believe in, even if the only thing trickling down is resentment.

Instead of funding silly things like healthcare or education for all, let’s build more gold-plated skyscrapers and private space yachts for the 1%. The poor can just hustle harder—if they can afford the Wi-Fi to learn how. A prosperous future is one where the elite thrive, and the rest of us fight over the scraps. Inequality fuels competition, and competition fuels… more inequality, which is exactly the vibe we’re going for!

5. Ban Critical Thinking—Ignorance Is Bliss!

Critical thinking is a total buzzkill. If humanity wants a future of blissful ignorance, we should stamp out questioning, skepticism, and independent thought at every turn. Let’s swap education for propaganda, facts for memes, and reason for whatever’s trending on X. Why teach people to think when they can just follow the loudest influencer?

A prosperous future is one where everyone nods along to the same narrative—or at least the one with the most likes. Ban books, silence debates, and label curiosity as “problematic.” If people start thinking for themselves, they might demand crazy things like accountability or fairness, and that’s a hard no. Keep the masses distracted with shiny gadgets and viral drama, and watch prosperity (for the few) soar!

6. Avoid Unity—Tribalism Is More Entertaining!

Finally, let’s make sure humanity stays as divided as possible. Unity? Cooperation? That’s for suckers. A prosperous future hinges on us despising each other over every little difference—politics, culture, even whether pineapple belongs on pizza. Let’s keep drawing lines, building walls, and unfollowing anyone who disagrees with us.

If we worked together, we might solve problems like hunger, war, or the risks of staying on one planet, but where’s the drama in that? Division gives us endless reality TV feuds, clickbait headlines, and spicy X arguments. It ensures that while we’re busy tearing each other down, the real winners—those at the top—keep winning. So, let’s fan the flames of tribalism and watch humanity crumble, one petty feud at a time.

The Dystopian Dream Is Within Reach!

There you have it, folks—humanity’s foolproof guide to a future of misery and missed potential. By ignoring starving children, keeping wars alive, abandoning space exploration, hoarding wealth, banning critical thinking, and embracing division, we can ensure prosperity remains a pipe dream for all but the ultra-elite. Let’s keep up the terrible work—because if there’s one thing humanity’s great at, it’s digging its own grave. Here’s to a future where the only thing thriving is dysfunction. Cheers!

Your Opinion? Let us know!

We’re here to help you enhance your life with AI.